Living or Pancakes?

On Tuesday August 11, 2009, cult leader Oprah Winfrey led her some 23 million followers to an early grave through her use of the miracle diet of the Acai Berry.  Detective Lanny Whitmore, lead investigator in the mass murder said, “The acai miracle diet which was trumpeted by Oprah throughout the past few months, was just a ploy to get followers together and drink ‘the koolaid’ at once.”  Reports from four survivors of the HARPO Cult Massacre indicated that the toxic berry elixir was downed with chants of ‘You go girl, you go girl, you go girl…’ as 1,348 members of the studio audience drank to their deaths.

The FBI has launched an investigation to discover how many house wives were killed through Winfrey’s latest publicity stunt.  Thomas Shoul of the FBI said Friday, “Ms. Winfrey has a devout following who will read what she says, watch what she says, and apparently drink anything she says.”

Researchers in a joint venture with Dow Chemical, Coca-Cola, and the American Psychiatric Society have discovered that energy drinks have adverse effects on young men.  The symptoms consist of an underdeveloped sense of death brought on by mass consumption of energy drinks like Monster, Rockstar, Full Throttle, and the original Red Bull.  Young men seeking a quick fix to gain energy are beginning to show signs of idiocy and suicidal behavior by strapping themselves to motorized flying bicycles doing flips for cheering fans who are also juiced up.

ESPN, the 24 hour sports network, has never been afraid of exploiting an entertaining situation and possible death (i.e. pro football, auto-racing, fencing, and poker).  With this new unlimited supply of energized young men, ESPN has made millions on these over-zealous caffeine addicts with the advent of what they are calling, ‘X Games’.  Now in its fifteenth year of lunacy, X Games has led the American Psychiatric Society to call on the Congress and the Obama administration to put warning labels on the energy drinks, which would read, ‘Don’t be freaking stupid.  You will die if you try to use our caffeinated beverages as some fantasy magic elixir.  Seriously, you’ll die!’